Archive for April, 2006


Ever wanted to sell your soul?

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I believe I sold my soul a long time ago. Doh! If I’d only have waited, I may be in a financially more secure position. We Want Your Soul is now paying you to extract your superfluous soul by way of an evolutionary “painless and worry free” method. Check out their web site if you don’t believe me. I tried to get an online quote, however it failed. It may be too late for me since my soul is already in the possession of another entity, however, you need not fall victim to soul extraction without being paid fair compensation for any loss incurred. I urge you now to cash it in before it’s too late, the offer may be extended for a limited time only and believe me, you do not want to miss the opportunity while it is existent.

I came across the site last week and it intrigued me. What a fantastic meme. Probably not for the faint of heart but it certainly demands a level of curiosity, which seems to be lacking in most nooks and crannies around the world wide web. Consumerist intrigue is a hard selling point in this market, where even your soul is for sale. Supply and demand is paramount to the development and marketing of any reputable product. There is definitely a shortage of good souls, so if you decide to sell it, then you will be in an excellent position to gain top dollar for the transaction. The time is right, for you to sell your soul.

You may be wondering if I am on the pay role of this multinational in soul extraction and I can assure you that I am not. Believe me when I say, I am thinking in terms of your peace of mind and financial security. I am only trying to be of assistance, because when I sold my soul I was duped, I received no compensation. Don’t let fraudsters dupe you too, please only sell your soul to the original soul extraction experts, here is their web site We Want Your Soul

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I’m Back

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My fellow bloggers, I know you have missed me while I have been away but I can assure you, that I am back. You may very well be wondering where I have been and perhaps I can explain. I have been away, hiding away in the fear that I have come to know so intimately over the last fortnight or so. All my fears have now come to fruition. A long arduous journey through the valley of death has cast me into a rebirth of possibility and prosperity. I have officially resigned from my present post and have accepted another position in a rival company. I am living in a brave new world where I can stare into the hideous face of my nemesis, FEAR! with the knowledge that I will not be defeated by her malicious intent.

Perhaps I am over dramatical in my discourse of what could be construed as the trivial nuances of existence. How else am I to make my claim to fame? I have invited you into the extraordinary world of ever so ordinary events. Perhaps your life is more exciting and I urge you then to make your claim, however this page is for you, my companions of pixelated space who appreciate the battle between fear and loathing. It is in this void where such battles can be of the greatest interest and intrigue.

I shall depart for now, however, I hope that you will continue to journey with me through the trials and tribulations of ordinary existence. There are so many nuances of the human condition that we can share with one another and if by chance we allow ourselves to make them appear extraordinary, then so much the better. Life is full of mundane events that can be extrapolated into enormous battles where there are victors and losers. Which are you? Can you claim victory over the mundane? Or are you willing to be defeated by a nemesis that perhaps remains hidden inside the dark caverns of inner turmoil and procrastination. We all have a story to tell, so let us abandon our extravagant egos and speak the truth about the extraordinariness of the ordinary and mundane.

How else are we to find a semblance of meaning to the everyday, which seemingly abounds with the sublimely absurd tick, tock of consciousness.

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Posted by Comments Off on D-Day

The time is fast approaching where I need to announce a decision. I have essentially made a decision (in my head) that I will be taking up an offer, which has been delivered to me via one of the recruitment leeches on my case. I am absolutely terrified though. I am dreading this whole affair. Resigning from my current employer is going to be a tough ask. I almost feel sick and I think I am sick. I don’t know what the future holds and this not knowing is driving me mad. I can’t relax. I feel on edge. Why is this so hard?

Anyway what started out as a half arsed quest has now almost become a reality, all I need do is say yes and it will be done. I am desperately trying to see this as a positive affirmation and it is a positive thing, however I am confronted with a looming negative. I have to stop thinking about this, to stop obsessing over something that hasn’t happened yet. All my fear is surrounded by some event that hasn’t even happened. It’s absurd! Why am I so scared? All I’m doing is changing jobs and perhaps by doing so will, be moving to greener pastures. It’s not as if I am being made redundant with a mortgage and three kids to look after. I need to keep this thing in perspective. All I need do is front up and everything will be okay.

Enough! I am not going to think about this thing any more. Tomorrow isn’t here yet, so I don’t need to stress myself out by thinking in loops, it isn’t going to make it go away.

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One down one more to go

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One more interview tomorrow and I will be free from the burden that these things take on my fragile old nerves. I may be inept at interviewing and all I can say is, practice makes perfect. I think I went ok today but there is always room for improvement. I don’t believe I exude confidence, however, I do the best with what I have. Some people are natural born salesman and can go effortlessly through the doors that are opened to them while others are a little more afraid of what may lie beyond. I am one of those people that prefers sometimes to poke my head in through the door to take a peek before gaining the necessary confidence to stride through it.

Well I have nothing to lose in this little adventure and I have gained some insight into my own shortcomings. That in itself is reward enough. Pfff…it is not what anybody else would perceive. I will have to wait for the result of the anxiety I have placed myself through. To what end have my efforts been for? I can make analyses of shortcomings and lack of esteem but does this in itself really define anything? All I know is, is that I have a particular skill set, which is not that easy to come across. Regardless of my self deprecation I do possess some value in the high end engineering field. I am fucking good at what I do and that is to draw whatever anybody wants or has the inclination to build. This is the fact. I am not a salesman. I am a draftsperson and a damn good one.

So there 😛

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Rattled Nerves

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Man my nerves are on edge. I’ve had five days off from work and by no means am I even vaguely relaxed. I have a job interview tomorrow and I am so living on an influx of adrenalin, neurotransmitters seem to be doing a crazy dance, shooting left, right and centre. I really have nothing to fear but I am scared anyway. It is said that one of the biggest stresses in life is changing jobs and they ain’t wrong. I am looking forward to the weekend or at least Friday when I won’t have any more interviews. I have another interview on Thursday so I guess I will be in a similar state tomorrow night. I have no idea of how I am going to sleep tonight. I have to keep it in the moment, all I have is this moment and if I am wandering off into tomorrow then all I can expect is fear. The un-knowable is a frightening experience. I can take small consolation in the fact that six years ago I made a move from one employer to the next and it didn’t kill me then, so I should be able to reconcile that experience with the one I am having now.

Things were a little different back in 2000 my head will argue, however, I am not so sure that they were really. I was dreadfully unhappy with my employment situation in that yesteryear and it took all my courage and more than a little resentment to fuel a motivation for change. In this present time I am a little unhappy and I am not so sure of where it stems from. Perhaps it is a little late for me to be analysing my motives, however, it may serve to clarify why exactly I want this change.

  1. I am unhappy with my re numeration package.
  2. I feel that I am being taken advantage of because I lack assertiveness.
  3. I feel that I don’t fit into the culture in some way.
  4. I feel that I am not appreciated and that I have become in essence a part of the furniture.
  5. I don’t have any peers as such and feel isolated.
  6. I am feeling unmotivated and lack the enthusiasm I once had.
  7. I feel left out because I have seemingly been discarded in the mentoring system they have.
  8. I am not feeling challenged any more.
  9. Upper management doesn’t appear to respect the value of drafters in any significant way.
  10. I don’t believe in the company any more, there seems to be a lot of rhetoric and little incentives to advance oneself as a drafter.

I accept in large that my personality is at fault here, I need to improve areas of inclusion and be more of a self starter but for some reason feel my hands are tied to the daily bump and grind of 100% utilisation. I believe it is my demeanour and the fact that I tend to lean into a loner state, which keeps me separated to a large degree. I don’t necessarily lay blame in this regard. Perhaps a change of atmosphere and different people may entice me to be more open. I guess my major gripe is the philosophy that upper management takes with regards to the lower echelons in the hierarchy. They have been good to me in a lot of ways but the significance pales when I know that I am not being paid fairly for the work I perform.

If I look at my performance I do a lot for the company and even if I am a little timid I always rise up to the challenges they serve me. I have even taken some initiatives, however they never seemed to eventuate in anything concrete for me, perhaps due to my lack of assertiveness. I think it may be too late if I’m offered a counter offer, perhaps it is the height of arrogance that I should even be thinking this way but I haven’t been happy for quite some time and I think it is time I looked after my interests.

I’ll have to face my fears and move on, hopefully with the least amount of stress possible.

Category : Uncategorized | Blog

Reflecting Whore

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An echo of a ticking clock beats against the inside of my head. Time seems to be running out and I feel panicked. I don’t know exactly why I am in such a hurry but it seems a matter of urgency that I get to some distant destination. Where this destination is, I do not know. Nothing is making sense in this haze of urgency but I need to get away. But where? There is nowhere to run and I find myself walking along a path, which appears to lead nowhere. Perhaps it is nowhere that I am being drawn to. A nowhere land where perhaps there shall be nowhere people to invite me in. I feel lost as I take each step with caution, only to find myself out of breath. Am I moving too slowly? Time is running out! I hear the beating quickening and I want to keep rhythm, “why is this so?” fleets through my mind, nevertheless I pick up my pace as I travel along the road.

Where is this urgency coming from? Have I wasted too much time as I’ve moved along this road. I don’t remember. I am scared. My heart pounds and the pit of my stomach crawls with anticipation, I sense danger as it slides past unseen. What is that feeling? I feel confused. Have I been to this place before? Deja vu hits me, this fear I have felt before. It is the unknown that crawls beneath my skin, slithering it’s way into my cells, making me sick with nausea. I know where this nowhere land is, the fear reveals itself without shame nor remorse.

It is the future. I feel powerless in the face of her blank stare. A face, which seems so featureless and absent yet somehow beckons attention. I feel compelled to gaze into those hidden eyes. My gaze is drawn to hers as she glares with vicious eyes, shining obsidian with a menacing lustre. The wide black eyes of an un-knowable world. It scoffs with an inaudible laughter as it draws me close and opens a portal where I can peer through the darkness and into what might be. A world beyond, which coalesces with what could have been and what has been. A non existent world, however the lustful whore seduces me to peer into the mirror with “future” smeared across it in red lipstick.

The future reflection appears real as I look into the crystal for some detail that will serve me. All I see is a past and I am mortified that the future could be so identical to what has been. There must be something wrong, perhaps with me, that the future doesn’t change and all that changes is the cycle of years. The dark whore laughs at me as I fall back into the here and now. The jeering laughter mocks me with the question “What did you hope to see?”

Category : Uncategorized | Blog

Blogged Out

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I believe I’m blogged out and I hear some you thanking the sweet lord for this miracle. Now before you lot give praise to the almighty, I would like for you to keep this in mind, I am still gonna ramble even if I have nothing to say. However all is not lost, if you look in the right hand corner of your screen you may have noticed a little button that says “next blog”, click that button and fuck off if you don’t want to read my blogged out nothingness.

Now that I have done some house keeping, clearing the path from what we could describe as the less desirables or blogo-phobes, I am free to discuss the important issues. Me! and how I relate to this mystery called life. Although I have a great affinity with nothingness I doubt others will appreciate a blog, which depicts this affinity with a mere visual analogies. I could essentially just have a black background with nothing else on it, to perhaps give some vague insight into the nothingness of my being and what this blogosphere is about. However, here lies the problem, black is still something so it doesn’t quite connect to what this blog is about, which is about nothing. I have decided to elucidate nothingness with text. Text which surely defines nothingness. As plainly as the eye can see, I have said absolutely nothing of importance or indeed value, all that appears are empty words streaming across a black background of empty pixelated space. Words seem truer to the statement “Nothing is true” which I’ve lifted from William S Burroughs who claims to be quoting from one Hassan I Sabbah…“Nothing is true. Everything is permitted”. Who this Hassan dude is I have no idea. I suspect it is a fictional character created by Mr Burroughs, although I’d like to keep an open mind that such an “old man of the mountain” existed, however, when a brief online search informs me that he was the founder of hashishism, I am left with a little scepticism.

I digress from nothing. I am demeaning the importance of the immortal words “nothing is true”. I have come across perfection in these three words. It is truly magical! A beautiful set of words, regardless of the add on “everything is permitted”, which Dostoevsky debated over a hundred years ago without any great resolution in my opinion. Now back to nothing, imagine, if nothing is true then the statement can be said to be false because nothing is true, therefore one can conclude that nothing is indeed true because it is false. I can further conclude that this blog is true as it is about nothing.

Hopefully I have confused you because I am left confused myself.

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Cranked with rage!

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Do you ever get the feeling that every tendon at the back of your head is like a post tensioned cable….waiting to spring and catapult your head into a thousand little fragments…barrelling across the floor in shreds of crystalline shards? No? Well it must be only me, although I do have the feeling that the lady who lives next door to me could perhaps relate. Often I hear this madness echoing from the confines of her isolation. A jeering madness, a wretched semi laughter and insane gibbering, that is a mixture of Indian and English.Then the door slams. Once! Twice! Three times! Bang! Bang! Bang! like shots of ice in hardened, scar tissue arteries, constricted and collapsing under a heavy, burdened load of translucent crystals, hammering away inside caverns of thought.

It begins in the stillness of night, the banging, the anger…the rage. Voices whispering, telling her the world is evil, an inhospitable cacophony of mistrust. “Look at those people”…”They want to spy on you”…”they want to invade your world”. “Look at that fucker hanging out his washing”. “That car that pulled up out front.” “They want to KILL you!” Slam! the door smashes against the jamb…the scream of silent suffering can be gagged, muffled for only a brief moment. The bang of relief, stomping in the darkness of endless night…Confusion and hatred. Inner hatred! Just shut the fuck up! Bang! Bang! Bang!

I awake to the sound of this confusion. The rage is contagious. I want to kill her. To free her from the demons that stalk through black pools of a vacant stare. I want to slit her throat and hear the garbled end to those voices, which torment with sermons of hate. Bang! One more shot in the still night. Oh yes, I will await her, stalk her, slip into her world and see through her eyes, as blood pools on the floor. Her eyes dilated and perhaps a faint smile will curve upon those dry, wicked lips. My eyes will perhaps bear witness to this lascivious creature of night as it leaves its prison of ripened flesh. Will I then be able to look away before it enters mine?

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Feeling Anxious

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I am feeling a little anxious at the moment. I don’t exactly know why I am. It is probably based on some irrational thought process. What exactly this irrational thought is, eludes my consciousness. Deep down I know what it is, the thing that is causing this anxiety, so I am going to do something about it.

The answer has come to me. However this isn’t the forum for me to divulge.

Till the next time.

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Posted by Comments Off on Pathetic!

I am absolutely pathetic. It’s Saturday night and here I am in my PJ’s writing in this damn blog. Only moments before, I was investigating and perhaps entertaining the notion of getting private health cover, It’s insane! Firstly; to be thinking about it on a Saturday night and secondly because it is almost Sunday morning. I am mad!

What am I to do? I’m lucky here in Oz because unlike the US I don’t need private health insurance. I’m still procrastinating over whether to get health insurance, I’m sort of on the borderline where not getting it is cheaper than getting it. We pay a Medicare levy of 1.5 percent of our taxable income plus an extra one percent extra if our income exceeds 50k and we aren’t in a private health fund. I earn above the said amount, yet I am not so much above it that it will benefit me paying a premium of 24 dollars a fortnight for health insurance.

I’m thinking about this absurdness because I went to the dentist today. I don’t believe in health insurance and am not going to take out health cover just yet. It is a matter of principle. I believe the medical and the health care system ought to be funded entirely by the tax payer and should be free for all so to speak. If I had a health insurance policy then I probably wouldn’t have had to fork out 200 dollars for the dentist, however I still would’ve had to pay something I think, even if I did have health cover.Anyways it’s late and I just couldn’t be fucked thinking about this any more.

Happy Sunday!

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