Archive for February, 2007



Posted by Comments Off on Manifestation

Can one manifest a different reality by focusing energy? Positive people probably do this all the time and I wonder if such a direct focus can be maintained on a continual basis? There are schools of thought I guess that suggest this as a definite possibility. Is it a realistic goal if one has a natural tendency to lean into the darker shadows of pessimism . Anything is possible, I guess, so I am trying to maintain a more direct linear approach to my thinking process. I’m interested now in the relationship with thought and emotion. Can this relationship be nurtured and enhanced even when forces plot against this union. I think therefore I am. Once again sagely words float and drift by, reminding me of how reality takes form.

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Manage your thoughts

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Perspiration sheens the surgeons chin and forehead as he begins his dissection. What a strange specimen he ponders as the scalpel glides along the viscous membrane of grey mutton. A jagged spot disrupts the smooth motion of the incision and startles the good doctor.
“Oh shit!”
“What is it Doctor?”
The invertebrate grey twitches as the scalpel penetrates a little deeper and cleanly dismembers the abhorrence with force,
“I believe it was an unmanageable thought and it certainly resisted the process of elimination. However, we are safe now, it appears that the lobotomy has been successful . Would you mind closing Nurse?”
“Not at all.”
“Thank you Nurse”
The doctor leaves shaken by the brute force he needed to overcome the unsightly creature. Thoughts ricocheted through the night. The recurrence and possibility of the thought managing to reconnect with the subject haunted him till the early hours of the morning. The still air of a hot summer night resonating a premonition that the world was perhaps prematurely lulled with a false sense of security. Confidence level 40% was the last note the doctor wrote in his journal. Crickets chirped as sleep finally overcame the good Doctor and as the blanket of unconsciousness overwhelmed his eyes, a faint scream could be heard. Black!

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The beat of Now!

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What reality do I wish to create? Have I been put upon this earth to be caught in an endless loop of self doubt and loathing?

I’m certainly a fallible human being, prone to make mistakes and it serves me no purpose to adopt a language whereby I punish myself for some perceived badness or immorality. What do I believe about this existence I’ve been given? What do I believe about the universe as a whole? Is there some being overseeing and running this cacophony of life?

Only moments ago I began ponder the universe and its seemingly indifferent progression and what significance those thoughts hold for me. Perhaps most of the universe is an empty cold place, minus 273 kelvin, nonsupporting of life or if strange life moves amongst this shadowy blackness then it can only be assumed that it is an icy, faceless creature that cares not for the endeavors that exist in the blue world. And is God this universe I wondered? Perhaps that is what God is. It makes little sense that such a creator or God would really have much interest in one tiny speck amongst the vastness of space and time. Perhaps we are the only life amongst this space that is too great to even imagine with our limited consciousness. The expanse is somehow symbolic of our minds in that we seem to have only just glanced upon, skimming its surface with singularities of insight and awe. Some mysterious inner space that is situated in our heads almost beckoning to lay in comparison with this vast sea of darkness, light and colour. A nebulae as it gives birth to creation, evolution and expanse.

Perhaps 14 billion years have passed only arrive at this point where time can stop, for a brief moment, where this eye can see and behold the enormity of limitless space. We are far too limited or rather the thoughts that barrage this beholder is far too limited. Self defeating amongst the stars that shine even as the sun lays to rest. Time can be enjoyed in such moments, where all meaning to events seem trivial and in comparison they seem to drift amongst the debris of strings and attachments that waft through the void. A moment, which can seem so limitless and free. Such a moment is now and it invites me to bask in the glow of background radiation that hums to the rhythm of silence and the beat of pulsating quarks.

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Happy days

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Well the weekend has now come to an end and I sit here not wanting it to be over. Another week seems like an unbearable proposition yet when tomorrow comes with the savage sounds of my alarm clock, I’ll drag myself out of safety and face the world again. I’m thinking of the future, it seems a recurring nightmare and in some ways it is. A nightmare of my own creation. I could be thinking of the right now and perhaps of going to bed early so I can feel human in the morning, however I think in terms of how difficult tomorrow will be. It is probably an unfounded piece of fortune telling, the truth is that it will be just another day, if there is a terror ahead it will be that of sameness and dullness. If I bring myself into the moment all that is going on is that I am typing and half watching a movie on TV. That’s all that I have to fear, nothing!

In truth I brought the fear into myself as I contemplated doing a course at the local community college and I’m half tempted to sign up right now so that I can laugh in the face of fear. The voice of reason tells me that, that it’s an insane proposition, the voice of reason injects me with uncertainty and self doubt and I refrain from action as if paralysed by a neuro- toxin. Well perhaps I’ll trick the fear and sign up tomorrow. Shh! Don’t tell her.

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Posted by Comments Off on Resentment

How much energy am I going to expend on this thing called resentment? How long will I cling to this formidable foe? There are ways in which I could deal with this problem, yet I keep myself face to face with this wicked witch of the past. I bounce from one extreme to another and finding some middle ground in the mire seems near impossible. I hope I am learning from this experience and in some not too distant future I come to an understanding or resolution because I find myself tiring from the burden of this nether land.

Hammering myself day after day for no good reason is an exceptionally self defeating position to be in. I’m just leading myself into the arms of fear and loathing.

Watching the late news while I type, I find my head drifting into the world of make believe, wondering whether these people being telecast across the globe are really for real or do they portray a reality to the world at large, which doesn’t exist in their daily bump and grind. What makes these people so confident and able to express their beliefs so freely? I would like to be like them in some way even if it isn’t real. Or better still I’d like to be able to portray who I really am in a more secure and self assured way.

Having said all that I am in the flux and flow of a learning process and it seems that I am only just beginning to grasp its meaning. Why I’ve gone into this semi confessional meandering tonight is something I probably won’t understand until much later, if ever.

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Will it stop?

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I’ve come to the conclusion that I whinge a lot. The sad part is I’ve nothing at all to complain about. I have everything I need and then some, yet somewhere along the way I’ve missed the point. I’ve missed the mark by a long shot. It’s almost as if I blinked my eye and there before my vision lay the “isle of torment and woe”. I have been blessed with a very fortunate existence and for some reason I’ve held the belief that I’ve been given a hard trot. Well I am wrong, what I have is indeed privileged and I really need to acknowledge this privilege daily, as a ritual. An attitude of gratitude needs to be my priority. I really need to see what I have as a gift rather than something I’ve toiled over and deserve. I’ve done very little to have the things I have in my life. About the only thing I’ve had to do is front up. All that has been required for me to do is show up and do what I had to do and extraordinary things have occurred.

I take things for granted and then become dissatisfied and obsessed with what I don’t have, all the time believing that if only I had that next thing I’d be alright. It’s self defeating and plainly an utterly arrogant position I’ve put myself in. What do I give back for my privilege? I make a few token gestures to ease my guilt perhaps. However is this enough to appreciate the position I am in? I donate a few dollars to a couple of charities, small change when so many have real struggles and face extraordinary difficulties. I can even imagine those very people having easily more gratitude for anything they receive than what I seem to have for all that I possess. Absolute greed on my part. I could very well give a little more than just a few token dollars. I have skills and perhaps talents that could be put to better use than by my over indulgence in self. It’s really time I got off my ass and did something useful. Time to wake up and smell the coffee or lose what I have.

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Slow is the path beyond

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The yellow brick road seems paved with a sickly viscous material, it’s hard to move and my legs ache as I shuffle devoid of energy or zest for this unknown lane.

The road is slow going as a trudge along its meandering and purposeless twists and turns, which strike me as so very untoward and lame.

Dark clouds loom overhead, amongst the gods of sombre sky. I try to smile, perhaps to awaken a little sunshine amidst the swirling grey. I grit my teeth and a half hearted grimace limpers across my face, a spot breaks amongst the suffocating haze.

Could it be that a God has stirred from fitful sleep illuminating the dank sky with a wink of a golden eye? Winking a brief glimpse of colour to remind me that there still exists a day.

So I continue even when it appears that I’ve lost my way.

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