Archive for March, 2007

I was surprised to see in my yahoo inbox an email from a fellow nodian or perhaps an insider 😛 that commented on my previous post. The wonders of technology is such that Big Brother is never too far, the Google eyes have ears as well (who would have thought), ears to hear the rants of one disgruntled end user. As suggested by the commentator I have contacted Internode and am currently doing an extended isolation test, which will hopefully shed some light on the predicament I face. I will say that the gentleman on the other end of the line was extremely helpful and I cannot find fault with the tech support from Internode 🙂 It is one of the reasons why I decided to go with Internode in the first place, they get rave reviews on Whirlpool so I joined the band wagon and haven’t had much cause for complaint until recently, but that may very well be a fault on my end rather than anything to do on the Node’s end. Because I have an affinity with speed I upped my dosage to 8 Megabit and my greed seemed to be my downfall but what can I do? My attempts at satisfaction go awry unless I get instantaneous gratification for my need for speed. Ideally things in cyber space should happen in a blink of an eye but we are still a ways off from such technology. I await in anticipation for the brute force of technology to satiate my desires.

Well having plugged the modem line directly into the telephone socket it appears that my connection has stabilised. Having done this test previously to a lesser degree than what i’m doing presently, I suspect I may know what the issue might be. As I looked at the line from my modem, something which I neglected to notice in my previous trouble shooting attempts, peering ever more closely I could see the line from my modem running through the UPS surge protector. Perhaps this is causing interference of some kind and thus the drop outs. I will leave the isolation test to run overnight to see if my suspicions are correct. Problems seemingly are almost always in the most obvious places and sometimes it pays to be a little more aware.

Anyway enough free publicity for Internode, after all they are just an ISP and I’m not being paid to write some spin for them. People can look here and here if they want more info.

Internode seems to be playing up tonight and I don’t like it when my internet connection is on the blink. I rely far too heavily on this connectivity, more than what is really healthy for any one individual. Alas I could be in far worse predicaments. One eye is constantly watching the DSL light on my modem to see if the dreaded loss of sync is upon me. My world depends on that wee little light, almost as if salvation is determined with the flashing of lights. My love affair with the internet began to blossom back in the nineties and it also marked my decline in other not so wholesome areas. But this connection into my main line of thought continues to grow like an extended synaptic nerve ending reaching the far recesses of the globe where I can travel without leaving the safety of these four walls that confine me. It’s pretty sad really but I am a traveler of space and I cling to the notion that I can have a life if I leave this chair and abandon my voyeurism into binary code. Sometimes it is all I have, this pulsing of energy that permits me to see, like a third eye. Some ESP kind of epiphany that keeps me glued to a liquid crystalline god. Anyway the damn DSL lights are blinking so it must mean that I am about to lose sync again. Looks like I will need to contact the node for some support because it is happening way too much lately.

Well I’ve changed fonts to mark a change in perception that has recently embedded itself into my consciousness. I am formally going through a period of dissent that has its sneering eyes penetrating the facade of cynicism that I often hide behind. I am struggling to find some validation to the lies that have seemingly been thrust upon me as the truth or the way. Some would say that I’m in denial, like some beast that has its claws wrapped around my throat, suggesting with ill intent that I do some heinous crime against the truth that I should adopt. In fact my eyes have been opened wide and I feel as if a spell has been broken, almost as if the world has dropped from neath my feet and I’m free falling into a reality that I wish wasn’t so, yet am glad that I have truly found a truth that extols all the truth that has been implanted into my feeble mind. Perhaps I am preparing for a landing which seems inevitable. I wonder at times if my legs will be able to carry the weight of awareness that has now been added into my periphery. I am sure that I can carry this weight, however it will require a strategy that will empower my defenses rather than weaken them. Perhaps I am well on my way in this regard. Of course no one here reading any of this dribble will understand what I am talking about and it is better that I hide behind the veil of evasiveness than spell out in detail. It matters not what the details are, what matters is that I map my thinking with a point of reference, for myself.

It seems that there is an unlimited supply of fixes and ample advice on what I should do but there seems little discourse on the subject of what exactly I want. In truth what I truly desire is autonomy and a self sufficiency that is laughed at by some members of my community. I have to agree that a fine line exists between such autonomy and disaster but I refuse to believe that a compromise cannot be drawn. Call me stubborn or tenacious but do not call me a fool. Sometimes I can smell the stench of manipulation a mile off and I find it disheartening that in group approval breaks down into fear and guilt mongering. A common theme in this blog is that of fear, a fear that is induced within me, a fear that I create whilst I contemplate an unknowable abyss that is the future. A fear that represents insecurity and lack of belief. I am on a quest to empower and strengthen myself against this fear, and to essentially find the voice within that is the true me, to capture a belief in myself that I have spent a lifetime running from.

I sit in this quiet flat on my own at long last. I have finally been given some respite from the long battle with companionship and am relieved and placated from this long suffering journey of butting my head against a red faced buffoon named rage. Although my head has yet to adjust to the culture shock of this silent cocoon, I am grateful for any time that I am spared from my nemesis. It is a rather exhausting expenditure of energy trying to stuff a cork into the volatile mix of anger and resentment. At last I can rest and bathe in the softness of solitude.

Why is reality such a difficult thing to define. I am here looking at web pages reading other peoples thoughts, frantically searching for some “truth”. Some thing that is absolute, ultimate, some essence or “spirit” and the search always comes up short. I sometimes have a definite feeling for a moment when a revelation is just about to surface and then it fades, almost as if nature is hiding her real face underneath a veil of teasing curiosity. What is it that I am looking for? I was thinking as I peered into the “mindscape” of neural pathways that we call the internet, that I love this concept that we are connected by this fabric of electrical circuitry, by a binary code of thoughts spread like the tentacles of truth spreading her arms far and wide. Somehow like a net of intersecting thoughts capturing what this essence is. Some have said that we are nature incarnate, that we are nature become self aware. Perhaps one could imagine a vanity that nature only desires to look at herself through the mirrors of her soul. To admire her own beauty or that we are created or evolved so that she may ponder the very same things I sit here pondering. Why do I exist?

Perhaps the explaination will never be fathomed in the sense of an ultimate or absolute. Perhaps the beauty or truth lies in the search, because if the revelation is beheld in the arms of the observer then what is left? If the theory of everything is realised then what do we do? Once the puzzled is solved, what then? Start over? Build a new one? Sit around smoking cigars patting ourselves on our backs musing over the journey we just finished. Perhaps that is where humanity is flawed. We want our cake and want to eat it as well. Perhaps the search is all vanity.

Bahh! I should just get a life instead of probing into something I will never understand. The problem is that the only real thing that excites me is the intellectual realm. At least I can make some sense out of a perceived mind than I can out of the emotional storms and the chaos within. Emotions are transient in some ebb and flow that is beyond the grasp of my imagination. As far as I know it operates like the cycle of the moon, once a month it appears to be full and then the very next moment it is empty. The intellect is at least in a linear motion, it starts at one end and finishes at another. Perhaps the problem is I place demands on one form and expect the other to follow. How I’ve ended up in analysis of this perceived duality is a mystery. Well it isn’t really, I’m trying to build some model of the universe and how I fit into this picture and the dualism that I’m subscribing to at the moment is a part of this endeavor. Dualities exist just like the duality of endeavour versus endeavor. Two different dictionaries will spell the word differently. Absolutes are the fiction, transience is the reality.

Anyway enough musing for one night. At least I’ve managed to occupy my mind for a brief moment without tearing myself apart at the seams. Today is a good day. The moon is full, go ahead and look out into the night sky. It’s there glowing in its pride, however tomorrow the dark side of the moon may surface and that is what I’m afraid of.