Archive for July, 2007



Posted by Comments Off on Sloth

Not a great deal to share tonight. So why bother writing is a question that is brought into the singularity of vision I possess? I have to do something and this process is something I enjoy as a way to gather my thoughts and to crystallise them in some way. Sometimes I’ll just free write until something pops into my head but nothing of real interest is presenting itself right at this moment. I seem to have more inspiration during working hours when I’m halfway lucid. I’ve had this chronic fatigue lately and it has made my mind vague and disinterested. I wish I could just have a constant influx of mania but it seems to come in waves followed with a down turn of energy, where I amass more information to avoid the one thing that would cure me of the listless fatigue that invades me; SLEEP!

Why insist on starving myself of this vital ingredient for mental health and indeed physical health is something I am only vaguely aware of. Part of the vigil of darkness I keep is due to having sold my soul to a corporate vampire and having some time to myself is a way to justify and validate my existence. I would seriously have to entertain the idea of disappearing if all my time was sold to my master, at least if I have the illusion of a couple of hours a day where my mind is taken out of hock, I can feel the glimmerings of a free agent.

Occasionally I envisage saving a considerable sum of money and then just taking a year off work to loaf around and work on writing something a little more worthwhile than just this blog. I could do this and the idea is very tempting, although I’d have to be a little more aggressive in my budgeting for it to happen in an immediate future. Whether it is something serious or merely day dreaming is another thing. Days like today are inspiring for such dreams. Life can be so oppressive when it seems that one is just living to work rather than working to live. What does it all mean when 50 years are lost just sleeping, eating and working? Is that what my purpose is, to be a machine for some entity? Being let off the leash on weekends and getting 20 days annual leave to what, just catch up on sleep?

I’m whining again and it serves no purpose other than to depress an already depressed and fatigued mind. Still if I take no action towards some goal then what do I really have to complain about? I can easily get trapped into this sort of woe is me thinking when in reality there are options available, but I want my cake and to eat it as well. Greed! Dreams! Slap. Reality. Scream.

Action. Action. Action. Not wishing but action. Done!

Category : Journal | Blog

Loopey Dupey and what the ….?

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Doing a lot of thinking lately and perhaps thinking is a dangerous pursuit for someone who is habitually addicted to thinking and pondering. I wonder how long before my mind finally snaps and degenerates into a cacophony of delusion. Indeed if the truth be told I am in the throes of delusion as I sit here and ponder more about the nature of delusion and mind and thinking. My addiction to thinking even goes as far as thinking about thinking and thinking about that thinking and if you then surprised me from my delusion and asked “what am I thinking”, I would be perplexed as if rudely awoken from a deep sleep, confused and disoriented and most assuredly I’d reply “I don’t know”. It would be a lie because I would know what I’d been thinking but I would want it to remain hidden and I’d want to deceive you with claims of innocence when I know very well that my thinking was sinful as with the original descent of man and the fallen angel. Although I’d be deceiving you when I claim to not know what I was thinking you will automatically or even psychically understand that my thinking would be that of doubt, because I even inadvertently confessed it when I said “I don’t know”.

Enough of thinking. It is too hard to bear. So I will  do no thinking and become vegetable become man become mindless because mind is illusion and not within the realm of this reality that the illusion of mind conceives. Thinking with an illusion is delusion and delusion is thinking with what cannot be. Duplicity and multiplicity in uniplicity is complexity. Jibbering. Gabbering. Yammering. Rhyme nor reason what can this mean? Stream. Conscious. Dream.

Still I wonder if this is all that it seems?

Category : Rants | Blog

Free ride?

Posted by Comments Off on Free ride?

The hardest thing about keeping a blog is finding the inspiration to write, especially when the subject material is neither defined or planned, when a fling with any nuance is possible. It may seem that it broadens the scope to whatever takes the imaginations fancy but it seemingly narrows the stream of consciousness into a funnel that bottlenecks the vastness. Perhaps I should choose some topic of interest and develop my knowledge by writing and analysing it but I wish to leave the way open so I can feel less constricted. Consequently I’m often left feeling overwhelmed with the open end that choice allows.

A lot of my interests lately have been in the philosophical realm concerning the notion of freedom and if there is any real freedom that is authentic. Sartre was obsessed with freedom and choice and I guess I have been influenced by the ideal that we can be free but I am increasingly being confronted with the thought that freedom is merely a fantasy or illusion. Maybe it’s because we are dependent on so many things just to be able to live. Freedom has been placed topsy turvy and what we mean is a controlled freedom, which in my mind isn’t freedom at all.

I read today on a forum that freedom is something we feel, we are free if we feel free (it’s quite possible that it was provided as a quotation from somebody but I’ve lost track of who may have said it originally). Perhaps there is some merit in this association and it makes sense intuitively but is this really freedom or just giving way to the illusion that one is free? My interest lies with the concept because I have this niggling conflict with the accepted meaning as we commonly ascribe to it and the feeling that I am enslaved by some thing that is beyond reach and that I am not as free as I might like to believe I am.

It’s a paradox and maybe it is this paradox that inhibits freedom. In essence I am free to do whatever I please, whatever  fancy that may possess the imagination I can theoretically indulge within the limits of  my capability and physical laws, however I am also a moral agent and am bound by conscience. These limitations are reasonable so perhaps they can be eliminated from the authenticity of actualised freedom and by not having physical and moral restraints it is conceivable that freedom is a given certainty. However there is still an uneasy feeling that freedom hasn’t been really actualised but rather the creation of boundaries has occurred. I am free within these boundaries but I’m also trapped inside lesser boundaries which can be crossed but still are existent. Maybe the best I can I hope for is a broadening of these other boundaries to  a more spacious surround.

Category : Rants | Blog

Happy Birthday!

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Another year has passed and I am ever the more detached from what these whole 36 years have been about. I live in momentary fragments of time that stitch together to form a life, however if I examine these pieces in detail they really have no cause or use. I’m somehow just a branch in the tree of life and a branch is probably stretching the truth into a grandiosity that is unwarranted. The insignificance that represents this time I’ve consumed is probably testimony to what we all share, more or less. Although in rare moments a larger leaf may form upon a lone branch that changes the course of events, I can safely say that this leaf will drop and be swept away with an autumn breeze grazing upon isle of time without impression.

I say this not in a self piteous way but merely as a statement of fact. I celebrated my birthday yesterday and I really enjoyed the day as a moment that I owned. I received no phone calls wishing me happy birthday, no cards or mementoes, apart from an email from my Dad. My Mum, Brother and Sister, no word nor sound, to be fair my dad sent his birthday wishes from mum also. I don’t advertise these events so I am relying on the memory circuits of family and I do understand that things can get difficult and hectic especially in the dysfunctional lives of my kin. My circle of friends is a constricted one and I have no ill feelings that they didn’t realise because I didn’t announce the day in advance. I’m only mentioning this in passing, perhaps only as a memento to myself because the interesting thing and perhaps of concern is the relationship I have with this network of electronic nerve endings; it actually remembered my birthday. Three forums that I subscribe to, wished me a happy birthday.

It is more than anything an indictment against myself if it can be described as an indictable offence. I probably have a more intimate relationship with machines than I do with humanity. It is not so alarming to myself however I may be criticised for this sub human fetish and be accused of some crime or misdemeanor. Machines are safe and relatively risk free, they don’t badger me for answers. I’m not accountable to a lifeless machine. I can have some control over them. I have no control over other people. Machines don’t tell me that I’m not up to standard. They don’t criticise me.

And they wish me happy birthday when everyone else forgets. 🙂

Category : Uncategorized | Blog

Natures special animal

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Everyday, current affair programs bombard us with stories and images of war, violence and generic human atrocities and quite frankly it is depressing. By my own admission I’m not an overtly optimistic individual and on more than one occasion it has been put to me that I look sad, and if pushed, then yes, I’d have to concur with such impressions and confess that I am not entirely happy; but it is a relative supposition. To be fair I bring about this alleged “sadness” unto myself, however, in all honesty can anyone truly say they are indelibly happy when confronted with the wretched futility of our own nature? For as long as I can remember there has been some conflict been aired across the media’s and this time is no different to the last. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe there has ever been a time that looked favourably upon the plight of humankind and I think this is enough cause to feel a little sad. I’m sure the sadness I feel at times is in response to the media coverage of our inherent lust towards destruction. A helpless shroud covers the entire populace when history marks not progression but the timeless dissolution between clans and tribes.

Perhaps I am more optimistic than I give myself credit for, because my mind keeps returning to the idea that, we as human beings, are better than the behaviours we may exhibit. I cannot help but believe that there has to be some sort of resolution to the blood lust we choose to savour, that there has to be some compromise or happy medium that can be achieved. Maybe all it is, is just wishful thinking. Perhaps the sadness I feel is attributable to the plain facts of a finite set of resources set against a backdrop of superfluous consumers.

Such an environment is not conducive to peaceable outcomes. I can get all high and mighty with ideological fancies about some utopia where a collective whole is reality but the reality is such that the opposite is true. One only need look at the natural order to gain some semblance of what is indeed true and the truth is that hierarchies and pecking orders exist and perhaps the unnatural view is to think a leveling of this order can exist. Its a bleak view for a higher order animal like humanity but try as we might, the likely hood that we are able to restructure the societal order like we shape the macro sphere of landscape is slim if not inconceivable.

It has been said and perhaps popularised by movies/documentaries like The Secret that there is abundance for everyone and the claim is probably not without a glimmer of truth, however the ideology is somewhat different to the reality in this current state. It would be a nice scenario…paradise on earth no less, if just by dreaming or praying to the universe that abundance will envelop the whole of humankind but like me it is easy to proselytise a utopia whilst sitting in the comfort of having been born in a relatively safe and stable environment of a wealthy and prosperous culture. The flaw, as I see it, with the abundance theory is not with the sweeping statement that there is abundance for everyone, because abundance is there for everyone to share, with that there can be no argument but the problem is that the abundance is positioned in specific locales. The specific locations containing the wealth and governed by different authorities creates a division of abundance and in an ideological perfect universe it would only be a matter of logistics for the universe to redirect the abundance to all and sundry but the universe has deemed a natural order appropriate also. There seems to be a conflict of interests here already. The ideology falls flat when we incorporate greed and power into the equation, which incidentally also seems to align itself with the hierarchy or natural order. So we have abundance for everyone but the control is not within the universes power, two or more sides are petitioning the universe for the right to control the abundance, hence an inevitable conflict arises and needs to be resolved somehow and apparently the only language that we are prepared to listen to, is that of violence.

As much as I’d like to envisage a world where abundance is distributed on an even platter, it is unlikely that such Utopian fantasy will materialise in my lifetime nor do I really foresee it happening in future generations either. Humanity it appears is still in an infantile state and the waring factions are more about tantrums than they are about enforcing some higher truth. Intellectually we have grown faster than we really have emotionally, in fact emotion is perhaps the root cause of our failing attempts at achieving world peace and striking out poverty and abuse. Historically we are in keeping with the human condition, although now that we have developed and fine tuned the killing machine the threat of extinction is a little greater than it has been. If nature calls for a clean state then it will be done. It’ll just start over with another attempt, we aren’t that special to think life won’t go on if we happen to disappear.

Category : Rants | Blog