Information overload. I’ve burnt out circuits in this head of mine in an attempt to find a reality that I can sit comfortably in. Still I persist in attempting the impossible when perhaps the answer lies under my nose. Maybe I am too blind too see. It may help if I define what it is I’m actually looking for. It stares blankly at me. I just don’t know. Maybe I just want some form of possession. Something that will embrace me in an all encompassing fluidity or passion. Something that will evaporate time. I could be banal and say I just want happiness but it seems at odds with who I am, I don’t think I can find it or possess it because it marks some sort of end, achieving some lack of conflict or acquiring a level of peace. It is probably odd saying I don’t want happiness and that is not to say, that moments of happiness aren’t worth experiencing but a steady stream of it seems excessive and liable to become a base line for comparison, which may not be sustainable. It suggests that one has reached a conclusive point, an end and for some reason the struggle seems a more noble notion to me.

I am intrigued by conviction, unfailing conviction. Certainty. The absolute. Black and white. How does one arrive in a state of certainty about anything? Belief without doubt. Maybe that is what I’m looking for, some infallible belief. Does it exist? Does one mark a line in the sand and say this is what I believe and from here on forth I swear allegiance to it? Work toward developing it? Reinforce it with repetition? What should this belief even be if it is worth developing?

The quest continues………