My mind is still whirling. Anxiety levels increased. A threshold higher, not quite sure where it may rest so spins in alternate directions, swishing from side to side. Uncertain. Afraid. Do I? Don’t I? Alone. Excited. Terror. Calm. Disturbed. Disruption. I’m in some sort of labyrinth, lost and lacking the knowledge in navigating this maze. Giving rise to this uneasy feeling, creeping into the skin, crawling with indecisiveness and ignorance. Two Options. Rent or buy. Two simple but so very hard choices.

My heart wants to buy. My head wants to postpone for a little while yet, another year, perhaps two so I’ll be more reassured. In what way I’m not so sure about, perhaps with a little more down payment added  for peace of mind. Maybe. Home loans seem like a nightmare, one that I’d much sooner rather avoid than have to face in what is essentially blind fumbling. I have absolutely no idea about how all the options work and what they mean.

Crunch time! Now is as good a time as any. Really this is what it boils down to and is ten or twenty grand going to make that much more of a difference? Other questions; am I prepared for the long haul of repayment after repayment with what will invariably seem like no end in sight? The idea of twenty years, twenty five or even thirty seems like an eternity filled with a lot of uncertainty, it’s almost inconceivable. Perhaps it is a calling to end my infatuation with the finite, the absolute and what are sure things because it is not what, ultimately, reality is based upon. Random shift, chaotic meanderings and accidental merging are the stuff of progression. Stillness is perhaps cause for stagnation and decay, rather than stability and assurance.

Time. Both enemy and ally. I have some left, slowly and surely it is passing and indecisiveness will result in it being lost in some regretful way.

Decisions. Decisions. Perhaps it has already been made and I just need a moment for it to catch onto the grey goo floating amongst the frontal lobes of my weary head.