I’ve seen them. so dark. Black. And yet fine.
The flower they carry had once been mine.
Get away from me, man of stories. Robe of lies.
Stay far from me. I lie to myself (it’s not
hurting). I need help, but not from you or
yor father. No! Jesus Christ. Who’s my
saviour? Lose myself in gods death. No! I can’t
bear all this pain. I had watched the snow
all day. Falling. It never lets up. All day
falling. I lifted my voice and wept out loud,
“So this is life?”.
My Dying Bride : Turn Loose the Swans – The Snow in my Hands

Happiness – that age old question: Are you happy? It’s a question that was recently asked of me along with another; Are you fed up? Two serious and poignant questions which simply can be answered with a No and a Yes. However, can they so easily be dismissed with yes and no answers? In many ways they can but they almost certainly demand some level of justification or rationale.

Happiness is seemingly the state of being that we agonise over, wondering if we are happy or if something other can enhance or bring us closer to it, constantly luring us with pining for its sweet embrace. It’s an obsession for many and I’m sure all of us have pondered at some time or other whether we have achieved happiness. I have and when I do I almost always conclude that I have not, hence why I squirm when someone asks me if I’m happy. I sense it’s a trick question only because of the uncertainty, of not knowing what it actually means to be happy or rather in what context am I to answer if I’m happy or not. That I think is what’s so disconcerting about the question. Happiness to me is a fleeting feeling, moments can be happy but to have extended happiness as a whole sum of life experience seems to me an unattainable goal, although admittedly even that is not entirely honest. Lasting happiness is attainable but it requires concerted effort in achieving or finding it and it is this effort, the enduring battle with the forces that conspire against it, that forbids my passage onto the shores of happiness. I don’t doubt that some people or maybe even a vast majority can find wholly a sense of happiness but I don’t believe that I can, well not in the current mindscape I envelope myself in.

Again it seems to me a contextual question, happiness in what form? The quote from the Turn Loose the Swans album by My Dying Bride that I started this post with, sums up the quest for happiness; insofar as, for the most part, happiness is something which all too often is sought from the outside and from where I stand it most definitely is an internal dialogue more than anything else. I could give a dozen reasons why I am not happy and conversely I could give a dozen more why I am. There is truth in people choosing to be happy even if it sounds silly and counter intuitive.

I fall prey to externalisation and as a consequence there is always something better or something I don’t have that will quell the sense of contentment and fulfillment that happiness promises. Looking for this next thing automatically gives rise to the fed up feeling. Like a pendulum it swings back to wanting something else, to and fro it swings and it may not be a bad thing if one can use the momentum to drive or affect some course of action or change but for the most part it just hypnotises me and I do nothing.

Happiness I think begins with the belief that one has enough, if that belief can be sustained then it can form a base for gratitude which is a fundamental ingredient in happiness. The rest of the happiness equation is community and giving or service. Participating in community and feeling a sense of purpose and belonging is pretty much the core of who we are and it isn’t a stretch of the imagination to envisage that giving will be natural in such an environment. The formula seems easy and simple, although I should hasten to add that it isn’t something I’ve invented, but the way society is structured it has become difficult to establish an environment where the key ingredients to happiness – gratitude, community (friendships) and service are easily attained if it was ever easy.

Somewhere along the way the simple formula has been lost. It’s not something that was ever taught me by anyone in my family circle, nor at school or anywhere apart from coming across it myself along the way. But it is also something which I don’t necessarily follow, although I have the sense or feeling that if I was genuinely in search for happiness it would be a starting point. Perhaps it seems odd that I should not be searching for happiness but I get the sense that it is not foremost on my mind. Maybe it is this culture, this time or my pessimism, I don’t know but too much happiness revolts and at the same time attracts me. Weird but sometimes I think happiness is blinding to the point where everything becomes too rosy. Also, I think it too hard, the thought of examining every thought to detect the negative impulse and converting it into a positive polarity is daunting, however it could be just as difficult maintaining a negative mindset. To get gratitude takes practice for someone with a morbid bent like me and I’m lazy. At the end of the day, I don’t necessarily believe everything ought to be positive and rosy, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it.

Consumerism and feeding the machine has replaced the tribe to large extent, or driven it to something to fit in if you have the time. Happiness is now commercial and I think we’re sold to the idea that chasing the next thing is in fact what happiness is. Like the marshmallow above, it can kinda be happiness, in a happy meal type of way.