Archive for August, 2008


Self talk

Posted by Comments Off on Self talk

I’ve never realised how much my identity is tied up into how I perform in the working environment and today proved that I have a lot of self esteem invested in this identity. It really is quite appalling how I can so readily condemn myself for not being able to live up to the expectation that “I” set. I presume that this high standard is the norm, however in reality I suspect that the bar is set so high that it is impossible for anyone to live up to let alone myself. Sure I can make improvements but I’m struggling to make any improvement while my enthusiasm is slumping. Today I realised that I had made a mistake that I possibly shouldn’t have made but in my mind the course of action I set upon was based on sound logic, however as it turned out it was wrong. Automatically my already depressed state plummeted further into the abyss and try as I might I just couldn’t resist the urge to start with the negative self appraisal.

It’s a common thing, these automatic negative thoughts, I know where it stems from but it is so difficult for me to stop it once the process has started. I’ll remind myself of whether the self deprecatory dialogue is actually beneficial or is it really just a method to punish myself for not being perfect. Of course it is the latter and I remind myself to stop it but the ever persistent inner voice persuades me to continue with the diatribe of self hatred. The consequence is not at all pleasant but the little demon within seems to revel in such monstrous and monotonous conversation. I’ve managed to stop the “voice of the wretched” for the time being and it took some hours for me to finally put it to rest. It still is lurking in the back brain waiting for the morn to revive and begin a new assault.

This identity that is enslaved to a system that I don’t even like is the most disturbing part of the absurdness. Work is just a tiny part of who I am and for some reason I feel compelled to magnify its significance to the be all and end all of where I begin and end. In truth, the only reason I get up in the morning and travel the hour it takes for me to sit in front of a screen is to make a few dollars so I can buy food, pay rent, the other necessities of life and have some extra for toys and amusements. Do I like it? No. I’d much rather not have to go and do something that for the most part is numbingly repetitive and boring. But I’m too afraid to let go of it and travel a new path. Or I’m too “trained” into domesticated slavery to leave it behind. I’m dependant on it for the things that I don’t necessarily need but that which I feel compelled to have, to escape mundane reality and feel an illusory validation. That’s the madness of it all, I keep thinking that all the luxuries and possessions I acquire determines my value as a human being and these are the least of what defines my value. I could have the world but what would that leave me? I would still desire more to relieve the existential abyss. The value I possess is precisely because I exist, that I am alive and am able to give something, even if it is a small amount to other human beings who share the same existential awareness. That is what is truly important, however it somehow takes second place to an illusion.

Will I upset myself tomorrow – probably. I will more than likely fall again into the same dialogue that plagued my day today. Will I remember that what I’m doing is not the most important thing in my world – I hope so.

Category : Journal | Blog

Invisible cloak to hide ourselves in.

Posted by Comments Off on Invisible cloak to hide ourselves in.

When I was in hospital, not your run of the mill type hospital but rather a hospice for the mentally deranged (when I put it like that it seems almost fitting), I met an inmate..I mean patient who had this idea of an invisible suit and although he was not of sound mind it seemed like a reasonable idea; but then again, anything could of seemed reasonable in the state I was in. Now it was only the other day that I came across a write up in the online newspaper I read to wile away the ever so brief lunch break (well it appears brief comapred with the ever so long work day, but that is another story), of scientists actually developing an invisible cloak. The story; Invisibility cloak now within sight: scientists reminded me of this fellow who unfortunately was suffering from a serious mental disorder but had this idea of creating a suit that will bend light and presto that is the exact same thing these scientists are working on, using some fang dangle meta-materials to manipulate the waves of light to flow around an object. Who knows maybe this person got better and joined the ranks of light benders. It’s a trip thinking about how the light could swirl around a solid object, surely there would be some distortion? Just imagine seeing something akin to an invisible hole in the space in front of you. Like some fuzzy zone, and then smack! It slaps you upside the head. You’d being going like What the Fuck! – for sure it’d be a trip!

It is strange how things can appear entangled, what I mean is how streams of consciousness can somehow become entangled in a contemporary sense, where a set of ideas run parallel with one another without ever being connected in physical or even close proximity. I think it was Paul Davies in his book, The Mind of God that used the term Mindscape and it struck me all those years ago as something profound and even sublime, that there could exist some landscape of the mind, which could conceivably be inherent throughout and across time. Although perhaps it isn’t that extraordinary with the vast sea of knowledge that has been collated over the eons and that the brain, like a sponge can absorb all manner of bits and bytes floating in the aether of knowledge. But still, it is an entertaining possibility that bits of information could somehow become entrenched in the genome for future recollection, although I’m sure the likes of Dawkins would slap me upside the head for even entertaining the possibility of some kind of existential memory in genetic code.

Nevertheless, this Mindscape of a hybrid quantum entanglement type, which  could travel through some hyper zone of consciousness that lies beyond the senses in real time is the sort of spirituality that I could get into. MaybeI could start a new religion called the Hybrid Quantum Consciousness of Mind Group where we could sit around meditating over the realtivity of my position in space and the meaning of self in the expanse of illusory field theory. I know its dumb, but its late and my quantum mind is beginning to find the relativity of sleep in the space time continuim like a mighy fine proposition.

Category : Rants | Blog

Prozac and The Lord

Posted by Comments Off on Prozac and The Lord

“What? Prozac? You’re not taking Prozac Ma? That’s bad! You gotta get off that shit Ma. It’s bad!”

I overheard a girl talking into her mobile, alarmed and even angry, to presumably her mother and I was rather taken aback and a little disturbed by the remarks she was making about antidepressant medication. It’s bad? In truth I became angry myself at the unashamed ignorance of this girl. I felt like stopping this woman walking home in the dark, the cold winter air chilling the bones like the depravity of idiocy that was gushing from the mind of rigid moral absurdity and asking if she knew what the hell she was talking about. I checked myself and just looked at her and watched as she marched past. I wondered if she would be taking the same moral high ground and blatantly declaring to the world of the vast evil that Prozac represents if her mother, or the person she was lamblasting  about the alleged badness of taking psychiatric meds, on her next visit was found hanging from the roof rafters?

Perhaps there was some rationale in her emotional outburst, which is not all too unfamiliar in a society disconnected from reality and obsessed with an ideal of perfection and as a consequence, unable to deal with imperfections that transgress from an idealised norm. The rationale being fear, fear that the mind is not invincible, that anyone can be inflicted with instability or “mental illness”, even one’s mother. Could it be fear that causes such an angry reaction? Denial of admitting “weakness”? In essence it is ignorance and as always ignorance is a killer, although it can be bliss the “truth will set you free”. It is a sad state of affairs when admitting a problem and  seeking a solution is considered “bad” in reference to states of being, if it is anything other than psychological or mental it is okay, even alternative medicine is good or even psychic intervention from ghosts and goblins is commendable. Psychiatric conditions, syndromes or dis-orders, a big NO-NO!

Obviously the wide appeal and education campaigns like Beyond Blue and the like just haven’t sunk in. Will Australians ever become attuned to depression and other mental illness or will we persist in demanding a moral high ground and keep ourselves in the dark? Is the problem of this girl who rather absurdly placed a moral judgement on a chemical a moral one or one of denial? Will she permit her mother treatment or will she will her mother’s illness away? If the treatment excludes medication what treatment will she prescribe for her mother, seeing as she knows how bad this chemical is? Is her preconceived judgement a manufactured response implanted by fear-mongering in the media? Hopefully she never has first hand experience of mental illness because the first line of defence is medication and having a deep moral objection to chemical assistance may very well kill her.

Perhaps she will take refuge in Him who died for us. I overheard another woman lecturing a boy at McDonalds while I was indulging in my guilty pleasure tonight, “He died for you. Man. He died for you” I heard while walking out the front gate, turning to see a stern looking woman pointing her finger at some kid who looked somewhat distressed at being lectured. I wondered why all these kids were flocking into Maccas and then it clicked after seeing this disgraceful guilt-mongering that it was the local churchy youth group come for a last supper. Again I felt like saving this kid from the torments and hell fire of delusion considering he did appear a little disinterested in being lectured. But each to their own, if this kid has any integrity of self then he’ll escape from being indoctrinated into guilt by default that is Christianity. Maybe he’ll have to go on Prozac after that fanatical evangelical woman is finished with him.

The things that are said – what a strange world!

Category : Rants | Uncategorized | Blog

Arctic bears dying for oil

Posted by Comments Off on Arctic bears dying for oil

I think I’ve witnessed the most decrepit irony that human beings are ever likely to find themselves in. As the Arctic ice melts for the first time in 16 million years, oil baron’s rejoice with the knowledge that this catastrophe will open up a new frontier in the raping of more resources from this plagued planet. Am I missing something here, or are we just that hell bent on creating our own extinction? It makes sense to me that the ice is melting because we are pumping green house gases at an unprecedented level into the atmosphere causing global warming and for the most part this is considered an undeniable fact or at the very least a very probable hypothesis. The idea of big oil and gas clasping their hands with joy at the coming of the big melt, so they can access previously inaccessible oil and gas fields to prolong their strangle hold on energy and thus their bottom line is unconscionable when one the the Earth’s greatest disasters is imminent. Is there something inherently wrong with us? Are we, as a species, so stupid as to not see the logic of obstinately sucking the last drop of oil from the Earth’s crust as insanity?

Yukon White Light -

One would have thought that this hitherto unseen event be the last straw, indeed, the straw that broke the camels back. Is it not time that we move away from unsustainable energy to a future…well a future period? We need to re-examine this God we call The Economy and find a new God to worship. Perhaps I am too naive in shifting blame to merely the greed of corporate entities of oil and gas as the cause of this looming catastrophe, because it is all of us that aid and abet in this systemic malady and as such sustain the sickness. Surely the threat of the polar caps disappearing is just cause to implement a total disengagement from our addiction to fossil fuels and consider economic interests as a secondary priority. I’m not at all convinced that moving away from oil and gas is going to make any significant long term effects to the economy anyway. There may possibly be an interval of some brief period where jobs will need to relocated into a new energy paradigm, however if a concerted effort is undertaken there would be a minimal downtime. The technology is pretty much ready I think, the nay sayer’s will undoubtedly say that we can’t do it yet but if as much human resources were used to implement change than is already used to pursue unsustainable means then I don’t believe it unreasonable to assume it highly likely we could achieve a favourable outcome. All we need to do is try but unfortunately if we wait before certainty is upon us it will be a case of too little, too late!

We really can’t afford to wait for corporate giants to steer us in the right direction, they are unwilling to let go of their gold mine and with considerable power being exerted by these entities, it is unlikely that Government will readily defy their interests either. The shift needs to come from you and I. We ultimately hold the power. We consume the goods that the powers that be demand we consume, however we are free to choose the future we want – if only we can let go of the fear that we are shackled by then I am sure humanity can curb tradgedy before it occurs. Procastination will most assuredly end in tradgedy.

Category : Rants | Blog