Archive for December, 2010


Oprah Madness

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Sydney Australia pays host to an infection of epic proportion, no vaccine is yet available to aid in combating and eliminating this affliction, which has invaded the hearts and minds of what were presumably sane and rational people prior to infection. An Oprah meme has for some reason been released upon this otherwise quiet city, which now resembles a freak circus. It is said to have originated from the United States and wormed and furrowed its way along the sea bed to our shores, where countless women have been left defenseless against a wave of hysteria. Hysteria, coupled with what appears to be a type of emotional mania are the prime symptoms of this senseless disease.

Why the endemic was never isolated to the country of origin remains a mystery and why it mainly infects women moreso than it does men is also being investigated. The disease which has been dubbed Oprah Madness, so called because it is believed that the meme first appeared in the studio television head quarters of Oprah Winfrey, soon spread to all corners of the world. Australia being one the last places to succumb to the infection, the madness finally breaking through the hardened Australian sensibility.

Reports have come in that a rather large mass of the infected have grouped together at the Sydney Opera House, seemingly an apt place for the Oprah virus to coagulate, and passers by have been asked to give the infected a wide berth as a precaution against the slim chance that close contact with the virus may provide a vehicle for the virus to spread. Why the infected group together like this is said to be an ingenious method for this meme to invade other rational minds as it mimics our desire for social acceptance. Naturally we are drawn to groups and this where it is said that the virus has an intelligence all of its own. Through a group dynamic the virus gains momentum and receives more power to infect just about anyone within ear shot of the group hysteria.

Scientists are working night and day to find a vaccine, however it is believed that the virus may have run its course. Upon close examination, the meme dies within weeks of ceasing all visual and auditory contact with the originating source. The mechanics of transmission are poorly understood, however a common trend is that the most ravaged by this disease are those that are unemployed and who watch meaningless daytime television.  The consensus among scientists and medical researchers is that one ought to switch the television off between 10am and 4:45pm weekdays to minimise the chance of infection.

It is believed that transmission of the virus is linked to the auditory and visual centres of the brain and that it somehow attaches itself to the limbic system through a complex readjustment of dopamine and seretonin receptors allowing a temporal shift in the reasoning faculties of the neo cortex. The lasting damage that  such changes in the structure of the brain are yet to be fully determined and may take years to understand. The remarkable dexterity of the brain is on our side, scientists say, with treatment, cognitive behaviour therapy  being the most widely used approach, those who abstain from further infection are expected to make a full recovery and be able return to normal functioning within a few short weeks.

If transmission of the virus can be thawted then it is expected that the virus will rapidly die and become extinct and no new victims will likely develop. But it is also understood that if all traces of virus are not eradicated then there also is the possibility that a dormant strain could once again become active and a whole new generation of women in particular could once again be infected. One of the most famous cases of infection in a  male was that of Tom Cruise who in a quite bizarre exhibition of disturbing behaviour proceeded to bounce on a sofa whilst punching the air. Such cases are rarely seen and it is believed that his defenses were permanently disabled as a direct consequence of his involvement in the cult of Scientology, however such cases are an exception rather than the rule.

If you or someone you know is infected or believed to be infected with Oprah Madness, there is help available. Please visit for further information or ring 5551234 to speak with a consultant.

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