Often this little phrase enters my head…I just don’t feel like it…right now I don’t feel like writing but I know that sometimes it is the only thing in my life that can fill the void…this great big fucking hole that opens up and wants to swallow me…I want to fall into it…to be lost within the dark mass and not ever venture out from it’s comforting chill. I have been teetering around the edges of this swarming mass and if I move just that much closer to it’s edge, to peer down, I know I will slip or the edge will crumble and I will be lunged into the crawling mire of filth and decay. A part of me wants to fall…to give into the temptation…to be cradled in the arms of narcissistic black. Where I can admire the filth of self obsession and not be concerned with outside trivialities. I want to be lost in Self, indeed that is where I am most of the time. Except I am expected to participate in the outside world, to be accountable to something other than myself.

Right now I want to hide from everyone and everything so I can just breathe and not feel any pressure, to perhaps just rest and be with me. Is that selfish?

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