Archive for February, 2006

I have my performance appraisal tomorrow and I am totally unprepared for it. I forgot all about it and now I’m wondering whether or not I should make a few preparations tonight, or just wing it tomorrow. I am hardly on a fit state of mind right now to be contemplating an update to my CV, which has been requested I bring with me to the interview.

Fuck it! I’ll just have to make an extra effort to get in early and set some time aside to work on where I’m at and what I want. I forgot to bring the forms home on Friday anyway, I have till 4pm to think of something, so all is not lost and I definitely need not panic at this stage. It’s all bullshit anyway and I’m not sure if I’ll make the year out with my current employer.

I watched The Proposition last night and thought it lacked depth. The proposition, to kill you’re own brother had a certain dark appeal for me, yet the character portrayal was deficient in emotion I think. Perhaps I ought to watch the film again so I can better judge it. I think I was a little vacant when I watched it, so an analysis would probably be an unfair assessment. I think I am still rather vacant, I lack stimulation and feel as if I am wavering in listlessness. Perhaps I should get to bed, after all, I need to get up early to fuck around with my strengths and weaknesses.

Once again I find myself in this zone of uncompromising hurriedness. Why I feel so incapacitated with the sense that time is running away from me is unclear. I feel that I am wasting so much of it doing the things society deems appropriate i.e.: working. It isn’t the idea of working which perturbs me; it is the idea of being caught in a position which I no longer enjoy….where the future blurs into series of days, which in essence are the same…a ground hog day phenomena. Some days seem to be particularly more sordid than others, however I am becoming increasingly more aware that the days between the sordidness and the blissful ignorance of unawareness are exponentially becoming fewer and fewer.

I probably ought to feel grateful to be in a position where the biggest problem I face, is in choosing a path to follow with regards to a career change. Let me tell you the engineering profession can be a little dry and uneventful. My work entails drawing lines and circles….I don’t even have the prestige of designing the lines and circles, I merely interpret the numbers someone else crunched.

I have worked on some fairly prestigious infrastructure projects here in Sydney over the last two or three years and almost feel as if their isn’t anything new I can learn. I feel trapped in a way. I have the dreaded “performance appraisal” next week. I say dreaded in a sarcastic tone. I’m not really dreading it…in a way, it is a mere formality…..a way for the employer to appear to be taking an interest in the employee….nothing really comes of it….It is my own fault, I don’t actively pursue the benefits of training that may come out of it. I’m just winging and no amount of it is going to change a damn thing. Tomorrow will arrive and I will more than likely be in a similar position as I was in today, although today on a ground hog rating scale was about a 5 so it wasn’t too bad considering the worst rating is a 10.

The year seems to be advancing in much the same way as the year before. Does time always drag on like this? or is it merely a function of perception, that somehow I am becoming increasingly more aware of the sluggish momentum it seems to be gathering. I need some change. I need something that will overtake me, overtake me with passion, to fuel me with a drive of some sort. To rescue me and ignite the flame of creation, which lies smouldering at the moment.

I’ve been on cruise control for what seems like too long. I am feeling more dead than alive. I feel as if I’m about to explode with frustration. Perhaps my fury will take me on a new direction. Perhaps I’ll continue along the way hoping for something different. I need to take charge, to radically modify my comfort zone. It all seems so complex yet there seems to be a simplicity in the complexity. A simple thread can alter my perception so perhaps I need to learn to sew.

Must think!

I often play devil’s advocate and I can only presume that it gets me into all sorts of trouble. I don’t know in exactly what way, yet I have a foreboding that my inquisitive head leads me into temptations that I ought not entertain nor play with. Having said that, I also believe that it is this inquisitiveness, which makes me the person I am. I cannot presume something is correct simply because it is stated by someone who at first glance seems to have knowledge and who appears to have authority on a particular subject because of extended experience, without firstly prodding the assumption or fact if that’s what it is, with my intuitive feelers and if my experience and sensibility fails to register a response, then researching the argument.

I don’t exactly know the point I’m trying to ascertain with my pondering, however something is beckoning me to poke around the frayed edges of my fragmented reality, to perhaps resolve an issue that seems to be giving me some grief at the moment. Perhaps the issue is that I feel I am being told what to think and feel by those around me. I am stubborn and unfortunately I’m not an idiot, and it is with little wonder that I am also tenacious and more than a little rebellious. Such is the personality I possess, so it is reasonable to assume that I will feel somewhat frustrated when confronted with an order, especially when it is disguised as a suggestion.

I like to think myself independent and perhaps I can be accused of being too reliant on myself or of being too self absorbed, yet I feel that it isn’t a defect to be accustomed to a life more solitary in nature and to even enjoy the solitude. I am not going to allow myself to feel guilty because the majority see it as a crime of sorts, perhaps a kind of social crime. I am allowed to think and feel as I please and if it doesn’t conform to how I should think and feel then tough titties!

I think I may be heading into a critical mass of hyper madness! My head keeps reeling in a spiral of chaos inspired thinking, which in some strange way is attaching itself onto a string running through the fabric of inner space. I do not know how I can avert the inevitable crash that seems to be looming ahead of me. I seem to be running on pure adrenalin, fuelled but some unknown force, a mania which I must confess appeals to the sense of urgency I’ve been experiencing. A frantic pace created by some unbeknownst entity, to serve as a punishment for past and present sins perhaps. Or could it be that I am punishing myself for my own moral transgressions. Whatever this force is, it is seducing me into believing I am beyond the limitations of normality, that I can cheat the Sandman and his grains of time. Perhaps I am morphing into a vampire..the un-dead….a night creature, which hides away from the stinging light of day.

Perhaps all this madness is just a way for me to detract from the everyday dullness and routine. A way to numb the overwhelming desire to escape into some far away land by transporting me into my Self, where I feel safe. Only time will tell where I end up. Wherever the end of this journey is, it is certain that it is exactly where I need to be.

Safe travelling!

I encountered disaster once again with my PC on Saturday night. Whilst trying to update Nero 7 with the latest download a message told me to uninstall the previous version of Nero because the installer wasn’t compatible with the version I was attempting to install. I did as was suggested and what did I find, my damn PC wouldn’t boot after uninstalling it. A lsasrv.dll was missing or could not be found and all I got was a black screen, to my total dismay.

I tried in vain to find it and I then probably mistakenly (since I really don’t know what I am doing) tried to use windows repair/set-up to fix the problem, however I most certainly made the problem worse because I didn’t have a SP2 file it needed. So after a long drawn out battle and to cut to the chase I formatted my drive and reinstalled windows and all the rest which needless to say is too many….I won’t incriminate myself with the details…My next problem was the product activation of Windows XP and I almost came close to throwing the fucking PC out the window when Windows informed that my product key had been used too many times to activate the software.

As a desperate attempt to salvage some sanity I called Microsoft and to my utter surprise I obtained another activation number without any hassle. I was completely terrified that they would decline my request and all that fear and anger was for nothing…zero!….zilch! Windows XP is one of the few programs that I have purchased, probably out of stupidity more than anything resembling honesty, and I would’ve been furious if Microsoft declined my activation request. I wouldn’t mind if it were a fifty dollar program but the OS cost me three hundred odd dollars which is totally exorbitant for what it is. Anyways I am absolutely $@*%ed and need to get some rest so that I can be activated for work tomorrow.

See Ya’s

I’ve recently purchased a blood pressure monitor and am under doctor’s orders to keep track of my BP. I am due to to see her this week’s end and to show her that I care or perhaps deceive her into thinking I care, I did as was asked of me. It isn’t often that I do as I’m told . It is my downfall, obstinence, my inability to take things I ought to take seriously with an attitude of seriousness. Perhaps I am overly serious to the point of un-seriousness. Another of my absurdities. Ah well!

I am a amateur physician at the best of times. For the better part of two decades I have prescribed myself potions and pills to alleviate whatever ails me and I know, better than anyone, that backyard pharmacy can have a detrimental affect. So it is now that I am trying with expedience to let the professionals guide me with my health. I know I am slow, however as the cliché goes…better late than never….But as I said earlier I have difficulty in, shall we say, owning my responsibility with regards to seriousness. Perhaps I think I am immortal, that the adage of it won’t happen to me has become entrenched within my soul so much so that I actually wear it like a badge of honour.

Enough with self deprecation! The fact that I am willing to follow the instructions given me, is enough evidence that I am not so fully conceited as to believe that I am immortal. Gnawing at the nether regions of my mind, the idea which lurks away from consciousness is that my life indeed has a use by date and that I am nearing that date on a daily basis. It is an idea I’d sooner not think about at any great length, however it is buried there, amongst the rabble of deceit and one which perhaps has an upside, which could read as follows….I can shape my path to wind in a manner where the Dark Lady who awaits is kept waiting a little longer.

There is much to learn and being the slow learner that I am, time exponentially wearing thinner by each moment, I haven’t time to indulge with reckless abandonment. My New Year’s resolution for the year 2006 is to stop wasting time and perhaps it can be argued, that by sitting in front of a lifeless machine pondering the essence of deception and self deception at that, is an utter waste of time. However I retort that it is not! I could be sitting in front of another lifeless machine numbing my mind with media mogul’s visions of a perfect life and be none the wiser that an infection is occurring.

To be able to reflect and give the voice, which stirs continuously, restless and perpetual, an avenue for focus and awareness is somehow on an opposite polarity to that of wastefulness. Methinks anyways. You may disagree and that is entirley you’re prerogative, however if you think thus then why are you still reading?

Munich with Eric Bana.

What a long movie! Went to see this flick Sunday night at Cronulla Cinema. If I’d known it was going to be an epic drama I would’ve suggested we see the early session. Although I enjoyed this movie it did have a tendency to drag on a bit. I think Spielberg ought to have exercised a little more editing but other than that I think it worth seeing however if you have to get up early in the morn take note, it is llloooooonnnnnnggggggggg.

David Bernstein of The Age wrote;

Yes, the movie is, in my view, fundamentally flawed — and it has been widely panned by critics for its shortcomings as an action movie and as a realistic, credible re-enactment of actual events.
For me, however, the most egregious flaw lies not in the liberties Spielberg takes with historical accuracy (it’s not a documentary) or any perceived “moral equivalence”, but in the conception of the leading character, Avner (played by Australia’s Eric Bana). The notion of a conscience-racked Mossad assassin leading a hit-team to avenge the Israeli athletes killed by Palestinian Black September terrorists at the 1972 Munich Olympics, borders on ludicrous.

Placing “moral equivalence” aside, I agree with Bernstein’s view. To think an avenger or crusader such as Avner would lessen his resolve by a contemplation of conscience in connection with his “duty” assumes a certain sense of stupidity. For a character who regards terrorism a virtue, justifiable by some juvenile creed that they did it to me first, the very idea of conscience is absurd. However if one were to think of the film as absurd and that the theme behind all vengence is absurdity then conscience becomes a viable reality for an avenger, terrorist or crusader.

I think it interesting that one can find a parallel between Kafka’s The Trial and Munich, insofar as the two characters appear to be in an existential crisis, both fighting for the right to exist. Where Joseph K’s freedom is being threatened by a corrupt bureaucracy so it is with Avner’s beloved Israel, to another State. I don’t want to get into a political debate as I neither have the inclination nor the background knowledge, however it is interesting that absurdity is in every nook and cranny I peer into. Perhaps I seek it. Perhaps it is my own existential crisis, so it seems fitting that I should find some deeper sense of identification with the absurd than I do with “moral equivalence”. The politics of morality are never too far afield however it is the absurd which I find delight in. I think it a matter of evolution that humanity is at war. One genome wants to dominate and if it means killing thy neighbour then so it will be. Genes care not for the morality of terrorism, they are mere self replicators and they desire existence just as much as Joseph K or Avner’s Israel.

Such is life…or the trip we call life!

Conform or else!

It would seem that one needs to conform to a set of ideals to belong to something. God forbid if you have a differing opinion and dare to detract from some essence which is considered a norm. If I struggle to believe in something must I automatically think I am wrong in the belief system I have. If by chance my beliefs differ from a set value, a paradigm which demands I accept without question, am I obliged to abandon any sense of value I possess to serve this form as gospel? I am confronted with an overwhelming sense that I am an outsider, that I don’t belong and I believe it is totally okay.

The world and any given community needs it’s dissenters, indeed all superorganisms rely on this mechanism to survive. Howard Bloom wrote about the need for conformity enforcers and diversity generators in bacterial realms and in larger social networks such as our own. Perhaps I am intellectualizing my anger at having to perform a routine that I am soley responsible for. At any given moment I could change this routine or if I were to take an extreme action I could abandon it all together. So invariably it is a waste of energy rationalizing and justifying my indignation, which in essence is unjustifiable.

I need to live in a community so therefore I need to make some concessions. Perhaps the allegory is just that, making concessions in order for a compromise and peace, namely inner peace to exist.

NA NA Land!

What if there existed a utopia and it was called NA NA Land? Where people spoke in a language filled with hope and promise. Would you be interested in traveling to this place? What if you discovered that the language appeared to be a guise and that in some profound way it made little sense? A way to convert the unconverted, to promote some new belief system so to speak. A language designed to confuse and distract from what is really happening, from what is real. And if all the hope and promise which initially attracted you there suddenly disappeared would you still stick around for some encore performance which may never eventuate?

I am in such a dilemma. I thought I had found such utopia yet it seems to be fading into ideology. Mere cult speak where the boundaries between what is real and what is supposed to be real are merging into confusion and abstraction. Perhaps it is the way I perceive this place. Perhaps it is the way in which I perceive myself that has suddenly changed.

I am probably making no sense to the vast majority of you out there and it has to be that way. You can count your blessings that my rant is senseless, however there are possibly a few people that will understand what I am trying to articulate. Perhaps I am only thinking out loud, trying to come to a decision. Have to see what happens.