Archive for October, 2006

Well my first day of this new journey I’ve set upon has been a little disappointing. I am well and truly caught in the snares of a ruthless, vicious and formidable opponent. One which has its roots firmly planted on the insides, indeed it is my insides that is the root of this corruption and home to the evil, terrible and dreadful curse, which has been bestowed upon my visceral lobes. She has me caught in a spell that I may be too weak to resist, although I am trying to work some magic myself to counter the attack on my soul.

Let the battle begin.

Beginning a new journey.

I’m pretty tired of this endless loop that seems to be my mind. Fear is my current lover and I’m over her possessiveness! She mainfests in other forms, sometimes shrouded in red, sometimes covered in drowning blue sorrow and at other times she immerses herself in a dark veil, preferring to remain faceless in a void of self pity and woe. Fuck her off I say. Perhaps I fool myself into believing I can rid of her sombre, wailing song so easily but I’ve had enough of the whispers she lures me with. It is time to part company with my doomed lover and find another to share my time with. Hopefully my new love will share the searing light of a summer’s day, laying beside me on a bed of sand wafting in salt air of the wide blue sea. Hot and shimmering with new passion.

I’ve wasted far too many days huddled in the comfort of fear with her luscious red lips speaking half truths and often blatant lies and I playing the sick lover all too eager to listen and dote upon my lovers words. I am a fool but no more will I hear those sick and tiresome lullabies to arouse my sympathy and fallen desire. Let it be, my new quest, to uncover a far more beautiful song to stir the dreams that sleep.

Will I succeed in this endeavour? lest I perish from the grasp of fears desire? It will be a hard road , which will require my utmost attention and vigilance. Like they say where there’s a will, there’s a way. Lets hope I can remain willfull and not be tempted in the security of the all too familar.

My head is back doing its old tricks. Uncertainty and self doubt are creeping up on me. They are old foes and I’m usually pretty good at keeping them at bay, however lately they are becoming stronger, almost as if by coincidence while I struggle with my own prowess or perhaps self delusion. I’m at odds with myself, left wondering whether I’m really capable. Perhaps that isn’t entirely correct. I know I am capable yet I am finding myself a mire of disillusionment and listlessness, unmotivated and generally worn out. Perhaps I am facing a burn out of sorts. In fact I’m not really into writing this blog. Work is sucking the life out of me. And I’ve only been at this job for around six months.

I am afraid I’m not working to the best of my ability and perhaps I could put in a little more effort. Hopefully I’ll be able pull up with a little more enthusiasm and energy soon.

Its been awhiles since I last visited this place. No doubt it will take me some getting used to, to get back into the swing of things again. Neglect and obsession seem to be recurring themes in my ever so mundane existence. Obsession seems to be such a flattering word for the state of being I have found myself in. I seem to be overtaken by a overwhelming urge to fill myself up with technologies wonders.

I have so much computer equipment now, enough to run a damn state. Perhaps a state of confusion. The good news is that my obsession has an upside. I am volunteering some of my unused CPU clock cycles to science. Check it out if you are interested in giving your bit for the medical fraternity Folding@Home. Mind, I’ve only just enrolled my services so can’t be too smug with my donation. Haven’t even completed a work unit yet but the ball is rolling.

Can’t think of too much more I want to say. Perhaps if I wasn’t so busy with trying to introduce myself into the world of Linux I’d have more time to elaborate on the nuances of everyday life. There are an infinite number of obsessions that are by far more self destructive than the ones I have presently, so I can feel a little more at ease with my benign quest for knowledge.

Nightie Night!