A friend of mine often used to joke around when we’d sit in a cafe in cosmopolitan Newtown, by performing a caricature of a scene in some movie (I think it was a movie) where the character would be talking into a microphone giving himself narratives or audio notes with a line “there is nothing to fear except fear itself”. I don’t know if it actually comes from a movie or if this friend was pulling my leg but the words seem to resonate a long, drawn out chord within….fear is actually the only thing that I ought fear, although it defies logic, the quasi aphorism does have a nonsensical ring of truth to it…I have nothing to fear, however the feeling of fear is never completely absent from my being. I am probably giving too much of myself away, by letting you in, on this little secret but it is true.

I am seemingly, in constant battle with some unknown fear. It begins to nag at the insides of my stomach..churning…swirling…spiralling in the pit of my soul, where it remains, feeding like a parasite. Fermenting a little. It never reaches a panic state but the anxiety seems to stew when I am facing an unknown. I am infatuated with the absolute, perhaps this infatuation is the root cause of my fears. Reality gently nudges, suggesting with it’s eyes, a truth, that nothing in life is absolute, there is no black and white, so I am drawn into a state of anxiety because my desired or perceived state of absolutism can never be achieved. It is totally irrational and in some ways I am aware of this, however my intellectual instinct allows me nothing when I am at the mercy of emotional despotism.

Once again I am floundering away from what really is nagging at me. Although I have been experiencing discomfort due to fear…the cause of this fear is the idea of facing interviews and possibly shifting my comfort zone. I don’t really have to look any deeper than at the mere, superficial events that are happening in my life. A recruiter has sent my resume off to a prospective employer and I feel fear over it. Thus the inspiration for this blogologue. I am prone to use colourful language to avoid confronting the issue, which in this case is fear. Pure and simple…FEAR! A couple of acronyms for FEAR are:

False Evidence Appearing Real or
Future Events Appearing Real

I can apply both scenarios to my obsessive thinking patterns, however neither are really worth the effort. That is the short answer and the rational antidote to my FEAR!

Other more sinister scenarios are lurking within the caverns of my mind, however, they are not meant for this blog. Yet I also believe they can, in some sense be defined by this blog. So I will speak in colourful language for a moment, so I have a reference, a mental note of sorts. I have been confronted with darker demons than those of fear. These other demons are lascivious in nature. They stir temptation and desire control. Control of feeling. They slither like a reptile and promise dominion in pleasure beyond earthly attainment. In a way they are pure as hatred…black….cold. They whisper sweetness and offer a world, which is utopian and free from pain. They are liars. In essence, they only seek destruction and when the morning breaks, whilst the morning light is awakening the rest of the world, the seduced are left lying in bed, shivering and empty, like abandoned shells washed on a vast shoreline, weeping in despair.