Somehow I get the impression that my pursuit with intellectualisms is an attempt to abolish a connect with a bigger picture. To somehow narrow the ventricles of my life into a simplified field, where I can split reality into two distinct forms. These two forms are what everyone experiences and they can be simply defined as inner and outer realms. The inner life and the bigger outer life seem to me, to be separate entities, that I suppose most people integrate into a whole but I seem to have difficulty in reconciling the two to form this convergence. I want the two to be separate and distinct and almost hidden from each other and it appears that I am semi unique in this regard. I may be judging this from an unreliable perspective, which can easily be seen when comparisons are invoked, however I get the distinct sense that what happens in my inner realm is not what appears in the outer. I filter the content so that what you see is not exactly the truth but a version of the truth, adjusted to fit the exterior environment. I’m not making much sense with this self analysis, maybe because what I am trying to say sounds conceited or deceptive when in general most people have this duality to some degree. In many respects it is deceptive because I have this split happening in a conscious awareness, also because it is a comparison between what I observe in others and how I observe myself to be, so therefore, it is a deceptive rating game that will invariably invoke an emotional response as it relates to the self, myself. Moreover I may observe my position in a certain sense but still be in conflicting position due to being conscious of this observation but still behaving in a way that may be undesirable to “how” I should be behaving.

So how does this vague explanation or justification relate to the evasive pursuit of intellectualism? I’m not sure. I guess a part of the answer comes down to being able to appreciate who I am without falling into the comparative rating game. I have a introverted personality and it is this aspect about myself that I have great difficulty in reconciling with the perceptions of who I ought to be by the world at large, who invariably don’t appreciate the hidden realm or who discard this world as some sort of false or deceptive world. Intellectual pursuits fit nicely in this hidden world and it offers consolation to me. It is the only place where I can exercise freedom and be free to be exactly who I am or even who I want to be. There is no boundaries to where the imagination can roam and the “conformity enforcers” are silent. The world appears a little hostile to introversion where it seems that being an introvert is wrong and invalid. Recently I came across a piece of journalism in The Sydney Morning Herald entitled, Diehard gamers find love online, with the opening paragraph depicting introverts as lonely;

Online games like World of Warcraft are supposed to be turning us into loveless, lonely introverts, but Emma Marshall just doesn’t see the connection.

The general consensus, that introverts are shy, lonely and isolated is based on an extroverted definition and is a stereotype. To be cast into this stereotype is where the duality problem I briefly mentioned earlier arises, where the disconnect between what I should be and what I am, exists. To say that a game can manipulate what personality type you are is by far the most stupid thing I’ve ever come across. I would argue that introverts are born that way, or at the very least it is a personality trait that is formed during early childhood like any other personality trait. It is set in concrete by the time you are four so to make a sweeping statement that you can be turned into an introvert is just wrong.

Caring for your Introvert is a fantastic article and a must read for the extroverts of the world who harbor the belief that we must be converted. I’ll confess that most of the discomfort and disassociation I face in going about my everyday life is centered in conforming to an extroverted world, a world that doesn’t fit with who I am or what I am about. It is heartening to know that there are others out there who appreciate the splitting we introverts, on occasion have to endure.