Sydney Australia pays host to an infection of epic proportion, no vaccine is yet available to aid in combating and eliminating this affliction, which has invaded the hearts and minds of what were presumably sane and rational people prior to infection. An Oprah meme has for some reason been released upon this otherwise quiet city, which now resembles a freak circus. It is said to have originated from the United States and wormed and furrowed its way along the sea bed to our shores, where countless women have been left defenseless against a wave of hysteria. Hysteria, coupled with what appears to be a type of emotional mania are the prime symptoms of this senseless disease.

Why the endemic was never isolated to the country of origin remains a mystery and why it mainly infects women moreso than it does men is also being investigated. The disease which has been dubbed Oprah Madness, so called because it is believed that the meme first appeared in the studio television head quarters of Oprah Winfrey, soon spread to all corners of the world. Australia being one the last places to succumb to the infection, the madness finally breaking through the hardened Australian sensibility.

Reports have come in that a rather large mass of the infected have grouped together at the Sydney Opera House, seemingly an apt place for the Oprah virus to coagulate, and passers by have been asked to give the infected a wide berth as a precaution against the slim chance that close contact with the virus may provide a vehicle for the virus to spread. Why the infected group together like this is said to be an ingenious method for this meme to invade other rational minds as it mimics our desire for social acceptance. Naturally we are drawn to groups and this where it is said that the virus has an intelligence all of its own. Through a group dynamic the virus gains momentum and receives more power to infect just about anyone within ear shot of the group hysteria.

Scientists are working night and day to find a vaccine, however it is believed that the virus may have run its course. Upon close examination, the meme dies within weeks of ceasing all visual and auditory contact with the originating source. The mechanics of transmission are poorly understood, however a common trend is that the most ravaged by this disease are those that are unemployed and who watch meaningless daytime television.  The consensus among scientists and medical researchers is that one ought to switch the television off between 10am and 4:45pm weekdays to minimise the chance of infection.

It is believed that transmission of the virus is linked to the auditory and visual centres of the brain and that it somehow attaches itself to the limbic system through a complex readjustment of dopamine and seretonin receptors allowing a temporal shift in the reasoning faculties of the neo cortex. The lasting damage that  such changes in the structure of the brain are yet to be fully determined and may take years to understand. The remarkable dexterity of the brain is on our side, scientists say, with treatment, cognitive behaviour therapy  being the most widely used approach, those who abstain from further infection are expected to make a full recovery and be able return to normal functioning within a few short weeks.

If transmission of the virus can be thawted then it is expected that the virus will rapidly die and become extinct and no new victims will likely develop. But it is also understood that if all traces of virus are not eradicated then there also is the possibility that a dormant strain could once again become active and a whole new generation of women in particular could once again be infected. One of the most famous cases of infection in a  male was that of Tom Cruise who in a quite bizarre exhibition of disturbing behaviour proceeded to bounce on a sofa whilst punching the air. Such cases are rarely seen and it is believed that his defenses were permanently disabled as a direct consequence of his involvement in the cult of Scientology, however such cases are an exception rather than the rule.

If you or someone you know is infected or believed to be infected with Oprah Madness, there is help available. Please visit www.endoprahvirus.org for further information or ring 5551234 to speak with a consultant.
 

Australia braces for possible ‘global flu epidemic’

Piglets in Sepia by Keith Marshall

First it was chickens and now it’s pigs. Brace yourselves everyone, the pigs are taking their revenge by infecting us with the pig flu. Yes folks you heard it right! The pig flu. Muslims the world over are rejoicing that the infidel will surely be wiped out  by this strain of influenza which will infect evil westerners because we dared eat the filthy flesh of swine in outright disobedience to Muhammad’s commandments.

I’m of course constructing fabrication in this discourse because there have been no reports that our Muslim brothers are indeed thinking such wicked thoughts, let alone saying such dastardly things. I was being offensive once again just for the sake of controversy but it would be curious if indeed some of the more extreme believers in Muhammad’s law actually think such outbreaks are a punishment dished out by their loving higher power.

I know that there are practising Christians who often celebrate natural disasters as a sign of God’s anger or disappointment and in retribution reeking His wrath upon the sins of residents who are at the mercy of nature’s fury because God deemed homosexuals evil and  the root cause of failing society. Considering swine is a forbidden food in Koranic texts I wonder if some more fundamentalist believers or even mainstay believers secretly believe that such epidemics are God’s or Allah’s wrath? It’s perhaps taboo to be wondering about such nuances or speculating on the psychology of believers, however, since I’m a non believer I can perhaps ponder about these things without fear that I’ll be cast into eternal hell fire, because frankly, placing restrictions on intellectual freedom is not a redeeming characteristic of a deity in my opinion.

Placing religious musing aside,  the very nature of the influenza virus being transmitted from animals to humans is certainly of concern due to the unpredictability it poses. We live in ever increasing and dense populations where the possibility of a massive disease epidemic crippling society as we know it draws nearer with each passing year. We’ve been lucky so far and the little microbes which threaten our existence have been slow to recuperate since the last pandemic. But it is a matter of probability and perhaps this pig flu will be the one that initiates an ethnic cleansing of its own, where humanity is the race it wishes to eradicate.

Although reports in the link above suggest this virus will not be the dooms day virus or superbug that will wipe out millions, we can never be too sure how a virus will mutate and what is a relatively benign in the beginning may mutate into something a lot more devastating . Let’s hope that it won’t come to pass. Who knows though, maybe the religious End Timers will still have cause to rejoice that their version of biblical prophecy is upon us. We’ll just have to wait and see but just in case, it won’t hurt  to stock up reserves of Tamiflu in your medicine cabinet. Just kidding don’t  that, well not just yet anyway.  :-\

A viral heat is pulsing through my veins and I wish that I could curl up and expel this demon from my inflamed nostrils but it is adamant that it remain in its final resting place. I am doomed with this disease and it may yet even kill me. I feel like death warmed up and I have no hope that the morrow will bring forth a glimmer of a ray of the last of summers sunshine. I am left cold and embittered by this microbe. Beat. I ought to bow down before this formidable foe and commit my allegiance to this all powerful deity crawling inside my cellular membranes oozing its vile mucus while it claims victory over this powerless soul.

It is one of natures wonders, these tiny microscopic organisms that reek havoc while they rape and pillage healthy cells, their mutable face only seeking to replicate in as many hosts that permit entry. Ever evolving and advancing, pursuant to dominance and mocking our intelligence with taunts about how easily it could eradicate our presence from this earth with a mere folding in of itself, reinventing its make up and as it does annihilating thousands of years human endurance.

The bug is coming, its only a matter of time, insalubrious as it may be. Perhaps all it takes is to be in the wrong place at the right time. What if right now as I sit here blowing my nose for the millionth time today, a solar blast from the perimeter sends its cosmic rays into the molecules and cells of my infected body and gives the burst of energy for the tiny organism to fold and create the right protein or enzyme to become a far more nastier version of bug than has been seen before. Its a fantasy but stranger things have happened. It may be why not many dinosaurs are roaming around in our backyards these days.

I’m bugged out. The best I can hope for right now is for the snot in my nose to dry up. And the best we can hope for as a race, the human race is a few more years and some new inspiration in our age old battle with our tiny little foes.